


Hey (hey) What's the matter with your head

by orphan_account



Series: Galaxies [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Dad!Ian, F/M, Future Fic, I Never, I'm an actual idiot, M/M, Papa!Mickey, Please Don't Hurt Me, Wife swap, but nothing explicit, everyone is a big happy family, ignorance, invalidation of Ian being a father, kind of subtle homophobia, not Terry level, subtle mentions of 3x6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-22 07:37:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2499836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Svetlana decides she wants to go on the reality show "Wife Swap" for some dumbass reason Mickey agrees.</p><p>Set 8 years in the future, a couple of months after "We'll get it together and we'll get in all done"</p><p>I'm sorry, I'm trash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know where this came from, It's not like I'm a huge fan of wife swap or some shit. but it's being in my head for months and at first I was going to set it more recently, but then I wanted to incorporate Yev's family tree from WGITAWGID.
> 
> Also I don't know why this says it's part 3... it's not. maybe part 2 is a mystery. maybe part 2 shall be written by someone else. seriously if you think of something to go between these two fics have at it. Part 2 is up for grabs.

One day Svetlana comes up to Mickey with her 'serious business' face on. He looks at her and places the coffee he has in his hand to one side.

“What'd I do this time?” He quips. Svetlana frowns at him and then relaxes her pose.

“Nothing, I just wanted to let you know I want to apply for wife swap show, might be fun” she tells him.

“Really? You want to apply for that reality TV show crap...we get any money if we do it?” he asks. 

“Yeah, a bit. Be like a holiday for me, plus you get rid of me for two weeks, you'll be thrilled” she jokes. 

“I don't hate having you around Lana” Mickey says and Svetlana gives him a half smile.

“You used to” she says.

“Yeah I used to” Mickey agrees, He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time. “Holy shit, I said I'd pick Liam up from his friends place. I gotta run and fucking do that” he exclaims, drinking the rest of his coffee in one gulp and running out the door. 

________________________________________________________________________________

That had being a month ago. Today was the day they were getting a new person in their lives. Svetlana had left a few hours ago and everyone had to clear out of the middle house so as to give the new woman time to get the feel of the house or some shit. Mickey is pacing around Kev and Vee's kitchen.

“Sit the fuck down Mickey” Kev says and Mickey shoots him a death glare.

“Mick, Sweetheart. Will you stop stressing, where's your usual don't give a shit attitude?” Vee asks. Mickey stops pacing and sits down at the kitchen table. 

“I'm not usually on camera okay, it's fucking scary. I don't want all the housewives or who ever the shit watches this show to think I'm some useless south side trash” Mickey says, he's feeling kind of nervous and its putting him on edge. 

“Well you're not trash man, Ian'll be home soon you'll probably calm down when he gets here anyway.” Kev tells him and Mickey allows himself to smile.

“Yeah, mind you him and Mands are probably going to talk my fucking ear off about their day” Mickey points out.

“Lord knows who thought it was a good idea to let the two of them do the family shopping” Vee states warmly. Kev and Mickey laugh good naturedly at that. Just then Mickey's phone buzzes.

“Speak of the devil” he says as he picks up. “Hey Ian, you guys home?” he asks.

“Yeah wanna come over and help me put the stuff for this house away?” Ian queries on the other end of the phone.

“Sure hang on a minute I'll be right there” Mickey tells him and hangs up. “Foods here if you wanna come grab what you need for here” he informs Kev and Vee.

“I'll come grab it then head off to the bar” Kev says. 

“I'm good here, what's-her-face, you know Julia's mom is meant to be dropping the girls off pretty soon any way” Vee says and the two men leave. 

When they get to the Gallagher house Ian and Mandy are putting food in the cupboard, Yevgeny and Liam are watching a cartoon on the TV, Debbie is spread out on the floor doing some kind of college assignment, Lip, Amanda and Iggy are drinking beer and talking at the Kitchen table and Carl is making out with his current fling on the couch. 

“Hey” Mickey greets as he steps through the doorway.

“Hey Papa” Yev yells to him before turning his attention back to the show. Ian stops what he's doing and gives Mickey a passionate kiss.

“Not in front of the kids” Iggy calls out jokingly causing his younger brother to flip him off. 

“Which stuff is mine?” Kev asks poking through bags of shopping on the bench.

“These couple here” Mandy says handing him a couple of bags. 

“Thanks Mandy, see you all later” he tells them and makes his exit. 

“What stuff is for our house?” Mickey questions. 

“Not actually sure” Ian tells him. “If we put everything away though it should be pretty easy to figure out” he says. Mickey grabs a bag that has snacks for school lunches and starts putting them in the cupboard, stuff like that always lives in the Gallagher house. Fiona never really got out of the habit of making them and the family has breakfast there ninety-five percent of the time so it's easier to just have it in the one spot. It doesn't take them very long to put everything away and they are eventually left with three bags of groceries to go into the Milkovich house. 

“Do you think we're allowed to go home yet?” Mandy asks. Lip glances at the clock on the wall.

“Yeah probably, you planning on springing everyone on her or you gonna let her adjust?” he asks. 

“Thought we might just stick to our household” Ian says. 

“Seems fair enough” Lip replies. 

“I'm cool with staying out of the way while this whole shit show is on” Iggy informs them causing Amanda to giggle. Iggy flashes her a grin. 

“Hey Dad, can Liam come to meet not-mom?” Yev questions from the couch. 

“Ask your father” Ian says in a teasing tone. Yev rolls his eyes.

“You are my father” Yev points out. 

“Guess I say it's okay then” Ian says.

“You guys are idiots” Mickey grumbles grabbing a beer out of the fridge.

“I thought we were going to our own house” Mandy states.

“Jesus Mandy, let me have a fucking beer” Mickey tells her. She shrugs and goes to find out what Debbie's working on. It only takes Mickey about five minutes to down his beer and then Him, Ian, Mandy, Yev and Liam say their goodbyes and head off to meet 'the woman'

________________________________________________________________________________

Ian is the first to enter the house and immediately spots a slightly plump blonde woman sitting on the couch. The second thing he notices is the camera crew, he decides to ignore those though

“Hello?” he calls out cautiously and the woman turns around. 

“Hi I'm Susan” Susan greets cheerfully. Ian grins warmly at her.

“Hey Susan, I'm Ian” He tells her.

“Mandy” Mandy supplies, giving a little wave. Mickey doesn't say anything he just walks into the kitchen to drop put down the shopping.

“I'm Yevgeny, but everyone calls me Yev and this Liam” Yev says introducing himself and Liam. Liam gives Susan a nod and a wave which she returns. 

“The grump in the kitchen is Mickey. I think the cameras are making him uncomfortable” Ian informs her. 

“Yeah, it is kind of weird” Susan says good naturedly. “Why don't we all sit down and get to know each other?” she asks. 

“Sounds fine” Mandy says and makes her way to sit down on the couch, careful not to trip over a random cord that's running across the floor.

“I'll be there in a sec” Mickey calls out, finally working up the courage to say something. 

“So where are you from?” Ian asks as he sits down.

“I'm from Washington D.C ” Susan informs them.

“Wow! Have you met the president?” Liam pipes up. 

“No I haven't, but I don't live very far from the white house at all” Susan says. Mickey plonks himself down next to Ian.

“Any kids?” he asks. 

“Two, my boy Billy is about 13, My little girl Alice is 9, they're both super talented kids. They do a lot of after school activities.” she says and turn her attention to Yev and Liam “Do you guys do any after school activities?” she asks them

“Not really, we don't have a lot of money but sometimes we kick a ball around with Jemma and Amy and a couple of other neighborhood kids.” Yev tells her, Susan frowns

“Jemma and Amy?” she queries slowly, then her face lights up in understanding “They were on the family tree” she exclaims causing everyone to look at her confused. She pulls out a piece of paper from a folder Svetlana made for her. After a moment Ian realises it's Yevgeny's family tree project from a couple of months back. 

“Lana included the family tree, that's so handy. I wouldn't have even thought of that” Ian says thoughtfully. Mickey smiles at him shyly. He's still unsure how to act around a bunch of cameras.

“Yeah you would've” he says. “What else did Lana put in there?” He asks Susan. 

“Not too much, she didn't really put much into the rules.” Susan says.

“Sounds about right” Liam quips and the others laugh.

“She says, and I quote” Susan starts off looking nervously at the two kids “So long as you pitch in and do not be a f-word b-word that is all that needs doing” she pauses for a minute “She also said something about carrot boy and medication” she tells them. 

“That's to make sure Dad takes his medication” Yev pipes up and Susan looks over at Mickey.

“Why does she call you carrot boy?” she asks him and Mickey raises his eyebrows.

“No not Papa, Dad.” Yev says pointing at Ian.

“That makes the carrot boy thing a little clearer right?” Ian asks gesturing to his hair.

“Oh” Susan whispers. “I'm not sure I agree with your way of life but I -” She begins to say but is interrupted by the sounds of yelling.

“Sorry Mick! The girls wanted to meet the new addition” Fiona calls out just as Jemma, Amy and Debbie come bounding in. 

“Hey” Mandy pipes up from where she's being silently sitting, playing with her phone. 

“Hi Auntie Mandy” The twins chorus. 

“I'm Debbie” Debbie tells Susan.

“I'm Susan” Susan replies. 

“Cool” Debbie mutters eyeing off the cameras. “Who's helping me with Dinner?” she asks. 

“I thought it was Fi's turn” Liam says

“It was kiddo, I got called into work cause one of the girls caught a bug from her kid” Fiona informs him “I've actually got to run, catch you later. Nice to meet you” she says with a wave. 

“You too” Susan calls after her. “I'll help with dinner” She says 

“Can you cook?” Ian asks and Susan looks at him slightly offended 

“I'm a wonderful cook, I do all the cooking at my own home actually” She says proudly. 

“All of it? No one helps you? Do you live all by yourself?” Amy asks in surprise.

“No, I live with my husband and two kids” Susan lets her know. Amy frowns and looks at Jemma who shrugs. 

“I'm sure you're a wonderful cook, but how will you go with feeding like 12 people?” Ian asks. 

“We have a big fucking family” Mickey mumbles. Causing Susan to glare at him. “What?” he mutters.

“We're going to be on national television!” she exclaims. Behind the camera one of the crew stifles a laugh 

“So? Won't they just bleep out when I say shit like that?” Mickey asks.

“That's hardly the point Mickey, you shouldn't swear at all, especially not around children.” Susan says

“This actually isn't that bad, Papa usually cusses like a sailor” Yev pipes up.

“Sailor's don't actually swear that much.” Susan corrects him. “My nephew is in the Navy, he's a very polite young man” she continues

“Ian was in the Army once” Liam pipes up randomly and the whole room goes quite. Susan looks like she wants to ask about it but Debbie cuts in before she can.

“Right, Susan. If you want to help you better come with me” Debbie says. Susan gets up and the two of them walk over to the Gallagher house. One of the cameras follows them. When they walk inside Carl is still making out with his girlfriend.

“Eww Carl gross!” Debbie yells, feigning disgust. Carl stops what he's doing and turns to her with a shit-eating grin “is your face-sucking buddy staying for dinner” She asks.

“No, I was just leaving” The girl says, Debbie hasn't bothered to learn her name, they only ever last a week or two with Carl. The girl gives the camera a weary look “Bye Carl” 

“See ya!” He says with a 'I don't give a shit about anything' type attitude that the Milkoviches usually excrete. Which is actually more of a 'I don't give a shit about anything unless you're fucking family' attitude. Once the girl has left Carl turns his attention to Susan “sup, I'm Carl” he supplies.

“I'm Susan” Susan says with a tight smile, she's actually starting to get over introducing herself to random people, they just seem to be spawning up everywhere she thinks. 

“Cool, I'm going to go have a wank. Yell out when dinner's ready” he says before bounding up the stairs. 

“Um well, he's honest” Susan mutters quietly. 

“Yeah, I guess. I'm just kind of used to it” Debbie says pulling out a pot from the Kitchen. Lip and Amanda descend the stairs.

“We're going out for a bit, gotta drop something off to Kev” Lip sings out not paying attention to the fact there's a stranger in the kitchen and then they're gone with a slam of the door.

“Who was that?” Susan questions.

“Lip and Amanda, Brother and his Girlfriend” Debbie tells her, putting a pile of vegetables in front of her “Cut those would you” She says as she searches through the cupboard for something. After a minute she turns to Susan “You're not allergic to anything right?” Debbie asks.

“No I'm not” Susan says. The front door opens and Ian walks through it. Followed by his own camera.

“Want some help?” Ian asks. “Mickey's being a grouch” he grumbles.

“And you left everyone else with a grouchy Mickey?” Debbie asks with a grin.

“Nah just Mandy, Vee came over so all the kids are with her at the moment” Ian tells her.

“Why is he being a grouch?” Susan inquiries, looking up from cutting vegetables. 

“Oh just work stuff, He's an accountant for some sh- for some low level firm. He's co-workers aren't the smartest people in the world, so he's constantly being frustrated” Ian says, pulling a beer out of the fridge and drinking it. 

“I wouldn't have pegged him as an accountant” Susan voices thoughtfully

“Didn't Svetlana put his occupation in her folder?” Ian questions, surprised.

“She just said he did something with numbers” Susan says and returns to concentrating on her task. 

“Sounds about right” Debbie says with a laugh.

“A wife should always pay attention to husband” Susan pipes up. Ian and Debbie don't say anything but they share a look of amusement. Just then Debbie's phone buzzes she looks at it and smiles softly and shoots off a quick reply

“Ian can you get stuff to light a fire? I thought we could eat outside since it's a nice night and we're gonna have a full house” Debbie says. 

“Who was on the phone?” Ian asks

“Sheila she wanted to know if her, Sammy and Chuck could come over for dinner. I said it was fine. I was pretty sure they were coming anyway” Debbie tells him. Despite their initial disdain for each other Sammy and Sheila had become good friends and now lived together in the Jackson house. Chuck is currently applying for colleges and has grown to be nearly as smart as Lip, but not nearly as stupid. 

“Okay cool” Ian says “Carl don't be a little shit come help me light the fire” he yells up the stairs. Susan lets out a little tsk sound at the swearing but Ian ignores her. Carl comes down the stairs and he and Ian go to walk out the door just as Mickey comes to walk in it.  
“Where are you going?” he asks, pulling Ian into a kiss. Ian smiles happily into his mouth

“Dinner's gonna be outside, me and Carl are lighting the fire” he tells him softly. 

“You're letting Carl near fire” Mickey jokes, stepping aside so Ian and Carl can actually go and complete the task.

“What's the problem with Carl and fire?” Susan questions with a concerned tone. 

“Oh he used to like blowing crap up” Mickey says nonchalantly as he walks upstairs to go to the bathroom.

“What about now?” Susan prompts. 

“he still likes blowing stuff up” Debbie supplies just as a loud bang erupts from outside. 

“CAAARRRRLLLLL” Ian yells from outside and the sound of Carl's maniacal laughter can be heard ringing in the street. He pokes his head through the door with a goofy grin. 

“Oh man I didn't mean to do that. Too much fuel ya know” he says cheerfully before disappearing again. Susan's eyes widen in shock. The front door swings open again but this time it's Sheila entering with one of her famous dips. 

“Sheila!” Debbie squeals and runs over to give the woman a hug. 

“Hey Deb, where do you want me to put this?” she asks gesturing to the large bowl in her hand. 

“On the table for now is fine, Susan this is Sheila, Sheila this is Susan.” Debbie says pointing to each of the women in turn. 

“Nice to meet you” Susan says. 

“Where are Sammy and Chuck?” Debbie asks. 

“Outside, Sammy is helping with a disaster that has Carl written all over it and Chuck has started kicking the football around with the kids” Sheila lets her know.

“Hey Sheils” Mickey says as he comes back down the stairs. 

“Hello Mickey” Sheila greets him warmly. “How are you today?” she asks him.

“Well the cameras are fucking weird but other than that same old” he tells her. 

“I saw your father the -” she begins.

“Don't” Mickey cuts her off and she gives him a look of sympathy. 

“Mick can you give Lip a text and let him know to hurry his ass up cause dinner is pretty much ready” Debbie asks as she drains water from a pot containing spaghetti.

“Huh? Yeah sure” he says pulling out his phone. He sends a quick text and then notices Susan staring at him. 

“What?” he snaps. Susan looks slightly taken aback but quickly composes herself. 

“Frank is your father yes?” she questions as Ian comes through the door. 

“No Frank is my father” Debbie says. Susan frowns. 

“but shouldn't your son's family tree have your father on it?” Susan points out. Mickey raises an eyebrow at her. 

“I didn't make the damn thing. Besides Frank's only a fuck-up ninety percent of time. Terry is always a fuck-up and the less Yev has to do with him the better” he says. 

“I think his exact words to me were 'I figured I had to put at least one set of grandparents and those are the best I have'” Ian says as he walks over to help Debbie dish up. “Lip says to say he's back by the way” he tells her. Once dinner is served up everything is taken outside and put on a table for people to grab what they want. It's a usual Gallagher affair and the alcohol and music flows freely, they hold off on any kind of recreational drugs because they aren't idiots but Susan still seems quite nervous and even a little judgemental. The cameras buzz around floating between different family members, trying to get the most dramatic conversations possible as to up the viewer ratings. Liam approaches Susan and taps her on the shoulder, she turns to look at him.

“Do you miss your family?” he asks nervously. 

“Yeah I miss my family, your family is very overwhelming” she says. 

“Do you not like us?” he questions. 

“It's not that, you're all just very different. Chaotic.” she says. Searching her brain for the right words to explain herself. 

“Yo kids” Mickey yells out and the four kids turn their attention to him. “Time for bed, which house are you sleeping at?” 

“Kev and Vee's” Liam and Yevgeny call at the same time that Amy and Gemma say “Mom and Dad's”

“I think they planned that” Vee says with a laugh. The kids say goodnight to everyone and head off to bed. Once they're gone Susan approaches Mickey. 

“You just let him choose where he sleeps like that?” she asks. 

“I assume you mean Yev, and yeah, why not? we all change up where we sleep a bit, it just kind of happens” he shrugs. Ian walks over to them and hands Mickey a can of Jack Daniels and Cola. 

“Hey we were thinking we could play I Never” he says. It's a game the family tends to play when they feel like they need to bond. 

“You know I hate that game” Mickey groans. 

“No you don't Mick” Ian teases and grabs his hand to pull him over to the circle that's forming around the fire. Susan follows them and finds herself a spot between Mickey and Amanda. 

“How do I play?” she asks. 

“Well some one says they have never done something and if you have you take a drink, it's easy” Amanda tells her.

“Don't feel pressured to play though” Chuck tells her. 

“Well the whole point of coming on this show is to experience new things, so I'll play” Susan says, she doesn't sound overly thrilled though. 

“alright then who's starting?” Debbie asks. Carl tosses his hand in the air.

“I will” he volunteers. “I've never had kids” he says and Sheila, Sammy, Susan, Vee, Mickey and Ian all take a sip. Susan looks at Ian. 

“I don't think you should drink, I know Yevgeny called you Dad earlier, but he isn't biologically yours” she says

“Sorry” he mumbles detachedly into his bottle. Mandy grasps his arm in a show of support. 

“I'm sorry but that's fucking bullshit” she hisses. “Ian was a dad to Yev before Mickey was, Mickey just provided the genetic material” she continues fuming. 

“I think that genetic material happens to be very important” Susan says. 

“that genetic material wasn't -” Mandy begins.

“The more the merrier right?” Lip butts in. “My turn” he says and the tension between Susan and Mandy is temporarily forgotten. “I've never gone to juvie” he says and Mickey, Carl and Sammy all take drinks. 

“I've never tried to give myself auto-fellatio” Amanda says.

“That's probably because you don't have the right equipment” Sheila points out as Chuck guiltily takes a swig

“There's always one” Amanda laughs.

“Oh um my turn” Susan says and takes a moment to think “I've never done anything to someone I love that I regret so much it makes me sick” she states. Every single person drinks. Susan looks at them in surprise “all of you?” she asks

“We've all got regrets” Vee tells her. 

“I've never cried at a Disney film” Mickey says. 

“You fucking liar” Ian teases him. 

“I am not, I wasn't crying over beauty and the beast, there was something in my eye and it was stinging like a bitch” Mickey tells him.  
“Sure Mick” Ian agrees sarcastically and Mickey says something under his breath causing the whole circle to erupt into laughter. Even Susan joins in. 

“Fine, but it's still my thing so we all have to drink cause really who doesn't get emotional over Disney?” he asks.

“oh you admitting you have cried then?” Lip asks.

“Maybe once” Mickey says shortly and everyone including him takes a swig. 

“I've never being married” Ian says, a deep-seeded, underlying sadness to his voice. Susan, Mickey, Sheila and Vee all drink

“I've never taken it up the ass” Mandy says and Mickey, Amanda and Carl all take drinks.

“I've never being white” Vee says jokingly and the others groan but they all take drinks

“That's a stupid thing to say” Susan tells her.

“and yet it's true” Vee points out. 

“I've never had sex with my best friends brother” Debbie says and Ian and Mandy both take a sip before laughing hysterically.

“You guys are fucking idiots” Mickey mutters.

“I've never...FRANK!” Sheila exclaims and they all turn to see Frank standing near the front gate. He's a bit wobbly on his feet, but he doesn't seem like he's had too much to drink, which is a miracle. 

“Heeyyy Sheils” he calls out. He looks around “where's ya wife, Milkovich” he asks when he doesn't see Svetlana “Finally shoot her in the head?” he jokes and Susan turns to Mickey appalled.

“You threaten to shoot your wife?” she asks. As Frank comes and worms himself a seat between Sheila and Chuck. 

“He doesn't mean it” Ian says. 

“At least not for a while” Carl states. 

“That's a terrible thing to do, you should treat your wife with love and respect” Susan says.

“Look lady, I respect the woman. I didn't at first, but I've grown to learn she has a lot of commendable qualities but I'm never going to fucking love her. I love Ian, I am so god damn in love with the stupid idiot” Mickey rants. He turns his attention to Ian “I'm going the fuck to sleep are you coming” he asks and Ian nods extending a hand to signal that Mickey should help him up. Mickey looks at it and raises his eyebrows. Ian sighs and pushes himself up.

“Mandy will you show Susan somewhere to sleep when she's ready to go to bed?” Ian asks. 

“Sure” Mandy responds and everyone else goes back to playing while to boys wander off. a Camera goes to follow them and Mickey death stares the guy holding it. Needless to say the guy stays where he is. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------ 

When they reach their bedroom Ian pushes Mickey against the wall and kiss him with fervour.  
“She's kind of an ignorant bitch” Mickey moans as Ian sucks on his neck. 

“She's not that bad” Ian mutters. 

“You going to chit chat or are you going to get on me?” Mickey asks and Ian laughs

“You need to get a new line” he says. As he lifts Mickey's top over his head. 

“I don't see why, works every time” Mickey states. As he reaches for the button on Ian's jeans, they quickly finish undressing each other and flop down onto the bed. The kiss each other lazily and Mickey reaches between Ian's legs and strokes his erection. Ian moans happily at the contact. Ian offers Mickey his fingers and the raven sucks on them greedily. Ian pulls them out and reaches down to push one of them gently into Mickey entrance. “More” he says almost immediately so Ian adds in a second digit and Mickey makes a sharp hissing noise. 

“Are you okay? Do you want me to use lube?” Ian asks frantically

“Nah...uh...actually yeah, cause I want you inside of me like right fucking now” Mickey tells him. Ian pulls out his fingers so he can lean over and open the dresser drawer. Mickey lets out a growl from the back of his throat.

“Calm down. I'll be back in you in a minute” Ian says softly.

“When did I get so fucking needy” Mickey complains.

“Around about the time I threatened you with a crowbar” Ian points out as he squeezes lube onto his fingers. He returns them to their place in Mickey's arse and wriggles them around making sure to hit all the places that turn Mickey into goo as he scissors him open.

“You make it seem like it was love at first sight” Ian pulls his fingers out and wipes the remaining lube along his cock, he lines himself up with Mickey's hole.

“It was love at first sight” he says and thrusts into Mickey. Causing Mickey to gasp and claw desperately at him “it just took as a while to realize that” he finishes. He pulls out slightly and thrusts back into Mickey. He repeats the motion over and over again, slowly at first and then faster and harder until Mickey is just blithering a line of 'oh fuck' 

“I'm going to cum Mick” he says.

“Yeah me too” Mickey replies just a shoots all over his stomach. Ian is coming seconds later with a grunt. 

“Mmmm well that was quick and sexy” Ian murmurs happily.

“Love you Firecrotch” Mickey says.

“Say it again” Ian demands.

“Love you Firecrotch” Mickey repeats.

“Say is again.” Ian requests with a grin.

“Ian” Mickey groans with pretend annoyance.

“Okay, Okay, I'm sorry. I love you too” Ian tells him. “We should probably get cleaned up before we go to bed.” he says gesturing at the drying cum between them.

“Yeah” Mickey agrees, so they go and have a quick shower before crawling into bed.

“I actually kind of miss Svetlana” Ian says as he pulls Mickey close to him.

“Yeah, it's weird having someone try to pretend to be her” Mickey says.

“No one can be Lana, she's her own special brand of whatever the fuck she is” Ian states.

“Two weeks, two weeks and we have our own fucking crazy Russian bitch back” Mickey tells him and they settle into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised you guys a second chapter, so here it is, in which Susan isn't as terrible as she could have being and Ian and Svetlana are kind of close

The next day is a Monday and Ian doesn't want to get out of bed. 

“I'm okay Mick, just hungover” he tells Mickey when the man gives him a worried look.

“Okay Gallagher, I'm going to go wake the bitch up” Mickey says pulling a T-shirt over his head.

“Oh my god I feel like I've gone back in time” Ian teases and Mickey grumbles under his breath. When he walks out into the kitchen the cameras are there and Susan is standing in there cooking. She smiles when she sees him.

“I made you pancakes” she informs him cheerily and Mickey raises an eyebrow at her.

“What the shit did you do that for?” he asks and Susan gives him a hurt look “uh I mean thank you” he adds on awkwardly.

“Where's Ian?” Susan asks placing a plate of pancakes on the table.

“In bed” Mickey says giving the plate an odd look.

“Well tell the lazy bones to get up I made pancakes for him too.” she says and puts a second plate out. 

“We usually all have breakfast together on weekdays, it's easier on the kids” Mickey tells her.

“Oh do you not want the pancakes?” Susan questions. 

“I didn't say that, Obviously you didn't know about the breakfast thing. It's just weird” he says sliding into the seat and scoffing down a few pancakes “This a really good” he mumbles with his mouth full.

“So does Yevgeny have school today?” Susan queries.

“Yeah of course, we don't home school him or anything” Mickey states. 

“Do you want me to drive him so you can concentrate on work?” she asks.

“Sure” Mickey responds and her face lights up “You'll have to grab the keys of Fiona and don't let Liam sit behind you, he kicks the back of the seat” Mickey tells her.

“I meant that I'd take Yev...not...” Susan begins.

“Yeah well, we only have one car at the moment because the other one is in the shop for repairs so you kind of have to” Mickey quips.

“We had better head over there then” she says gently with an underlying annoyance to her voice. They leave with a couple of cameras following them and pretty soon after Ian comes wondering out still in his underwear. When he sees the remaining camera man still standing in the lounge room. 

“Holy Shit man!” he tells the camera guy “Sorry, I just, I'm still half-asleep and I kind of thought you'd be with Mick and Susan” Ian says. The camera guy smiles and lowers the camera onto a stand. He's obviously switched it off. He extends his hand which Ian shakes.

“I'm Ryan” he says. “I'm not really meant to interact with you, cause the show is meant to feel 'organic or some bullshit' but I just wanted to say. I think some of the stuff she's saying to and about you is appalling” Ryan states.

“Thanks but it's nothing I haven't had to handle before” Ian says, sitting down and poking at the plate of pancakes still on the table.

“You shouldn't have to in your own home though” Ryan points out and goes to switch the camera back on. Mandy walks out in a similar state to Ian, stretching her hands over her head, her bare breasts exposed. 

“Ooooh pancakes” she exclaims sliding in next to Ian. Ryan let's out a cough and turns the camera to face a wall. 

“You may want to put a shirt on Mands” Ian says. Mandy rolls her eyes and grabs one of Mickey's T-shirts from a pile of washing that hasn't been put away yet. 

“Better?” she questions returning to her place next to Ian. Ryan turns the camera back around and gives her a thumbs up. “Fucker doesn't talk much does he?” she notes. 

“He's not meant to, he's meant to keep it organic” Ian tells her and Mandy snorts with laughter. Mickey walks back in looking disgruntled. He walks over and kisses Ian longingly on the lips

“I gotta go to work, I thought you were going to stay in bed” Mickey says. 

“I realized I need to go in today” Ian tells him. “let me get dressed I'll catch the L with you” he says rushing off tho their bedroom.

“Ayye hurry the fuck up, I'm running late as it is” Mickey calls after him. Ian throws on a tight fitting top and some tracksuit pants before running back out.

“Let's go then, later Mands, Ryan” Ian says practically bouncing out the steps. Another camera man is waiting for them on the other side of the door and starts following them as they walk to the L.

“Ryan?” Mickey queries with a raised eyebrow.

“Camera guy” Ian supplies. It doesn't take them very long to walk to the L and after three stops Ian hopes off to walk to the Gym he works at and Mickey continues on. He feels awkward and confined with a camera in his face and he keeps stealing glances at it. 

“So this is weird man” Mickey says and the camera guy extends a hand to shake it. “Mickey” 

“I know, I'm Alex” the guy tells him. “you're not really meant to be talking to me though” Alex states.

“Well it's going to be an awkward as fuck train ride with you shoving that thing in my face” Mickey grumbles gesturing to the camera. Alex clicks the camera off. 

“Sorry man. So what made you decide to go on this fucking show anyway?” Alex asks. 

“You work for this fucking show” Mickey points out.

“Ehhh, it pays the bills” Alex says with a shrug. “Ian seems like a pretty cool guy” he adds on. 

“Gallagher is super lame” Mickey says his eyes filled with amusement. 

“You're the one in love with him” Alex retorts. 

“Yeah I guess I am” Mickey sighs. 

“You wanna marry him?” Alex questions. 

“I'd have to divorce Lana for that” Mickey points out, standing up to as the train pulls into his station. Alex copies him and they exit together.

“Why don't you?” Alex prompts. “Also I'm turning the camera back on. Just so you know” he mentions as he clicks the record button.

“Alright, uh yeah, so why haven't I divorced Lana? I guess there was never any point ya know?” Mickey says as he begins to walk down the street, he flicks his phone to look at the time. “I mean. You could say it's a marriage of convenience but it's really fucking not. We're kind of a shit show but...” Mickey pauses for a minute and rubs his hands over his eyes “you ain't gonna find a more loving, loyal family in the god damn country and that's all I care about. I don't care about my shitty ass job, or what anyone else thinks” he finishes off as he arrives at his work.

“Wow” Alex mutters. 

“You should probably cut out the bit where I call my work shit though” Mickey adds as an after thought.

“Will do” Alex promises. 

Ian is on his break at the Gym, flicking through emails on his phone when a text comes through from Svetlana

From: Lana Banana   
Carrot boy. I don't like this family.

Ian grins at his phone and laughs 

From: Carrot Boy  
Yeah. I don't think Susan likes me. Isn't against the rules for us to be texting?

From: Lana Banana  
I think it only a problem if I text Mickey. How is he? The kids are nightmares.

Ian's boss walks in and signals its time to get back to work. Ian sighs and gives him a wave to signal that he's seen him. 

From: Carrot Boy  
He's okay coping as much as he copes with anything. I gotta run. Hold in there. 

Ian puts his phone away and dashes to meet up with his next client, a woman in her late thirties who likes to try and hit on him no matter how many times he's said he's gay and in a long-term relationship. She's not overly pushy and Ian gets the feeling she's not really serious so he tends to let it slide. Especially because she isn't stingy with her tips. He works with her for an hour and then it's time to head home. He gets there just as Vee is arriving back from picking up the kids from school. Susan is sitting on the front porch reading. While the third camera films the scene 

“Hey dad, I'm going to play for a while” Yevgeny calls out. Ian waves at him and smiles.

“Okay but only for an hour then you have to do your homework” Ian replies. “That goes for the rest of you too” Vee shoots him an appreciative grin and Ian goes to walk into his house.

“You should make him do his homework first” Susan says with fake brightness as he passes her. “Not that you should have any say” she mutters under her breath. Ian still hears her and he tries hard not to slam the door. Ryan is in the lounge room. He gives Ian a sympathetic look when he walks in. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Ryan queries. 

“You mean for the show right? Want me to wait until you set up the camera or whatever?” Ian questions.

“Yeah man, thanks” Ryan says and starts to fiddle with the film equipment. 

“Hey, where do you guys sleep anyway?” Ian asks confused. He sits down on the couch

“We have a caravan. It's parked a couple of blocks away” Ryan informs him. “I'm ready when you are.”

“Um so yeah, So I don't think Susan likes me very much. Which I mean it's fine you know...” Ian pauses to bite his lip, a habit he's picked up from Mickey “...but I just wish she stop undermining my ability to parent. I think she just wants them to be this picture perfect, cookie cutter family. I don't factor in for her.” he says.

“We're from fucking south side Chicago. She ain't getting no dumb ass white picket fence crap here” Mandy's voice calls out. Ian didn't even realize she was home and is pleased by the surprise. She walks out from her bedroom and flops down on the couch next to Ian. “How was your day dear” she teases.

“It was okay, had Ms. Henderson again” Ian tell her.

“Ohhh she convince you to leave my brother yet?” Mandy asks and Ian gives her a playful whack on the arm.

“Nothing is making me leave your brother.” Ian remarks and Mandy nods in understanding. 

“Susan practically demanded she make dinner for just us tonight” Mandy says.

“Did you tell her that we normally only do big family dinners on the weekend?” Ian asks. 

“Didn't have the heart to, I'm going to go out for a smoke” Mandy tells him, grabbing the pack of cigarette's off the table.

“I'm pretty sure those are Iggy's” Ian informs her.

“Then the fucker shouldn't 've left them here when he buggered off to Ronnie's” Mandy quips. Almost as soon as she's walked outside Susan walks in.

“I hate the smell of cigarette smoke” She tells Ian. Ian looks her up and down.

“How was your day?” he asks slightly cautiously.

“It was nice, I went to Lana's work, I couldn't do her actual job because I'm not qualified but they put me on as a receptionist” Susan says happily. A few years ago Lana had turned the rub 'n' tug into a legitimate Spa and Massage Parlour. She still had a lot of the original girls working for her, including Nika who she'd dated for nearly two years. 

“It's a nice place, you should book yourself in for an appointment at some point” Ian tells her. Susan thinks about it for a few minutes.

“You saying I look stressed?” she questions.

“No, but I mean, you're away from your family for two weeks with completely random people who make you kind of uncomfortable” Ian says. 

“You don't make me uncomfortable” Susan insists.

“Yeah we do, I do” Ian says. 

“Hey do you want to have dinner with us?” Susan asks brightly.

“Of course, why on earth wouldn't I have dinner with you, you're eating in my house” Ian points out.

“I...uh...yeah, you know what of course, you're right. Wanna help me start getting prepared” Susan questions.

“Sure” Ian replies and the two of them walk in the kitchen followed by Ryan.

“When's Mickey due home?” Susan asks and Ian glances up at the clock.

“Twenty minutes or so, depends on if the L's running on time” he says. 

“What happened to the other car?” Susan asks him. “You know the one in the shop” she confirms.

“Some one rammed into the back of it, it's fixable and it was parked at the time so no one got hurt” Ian tells her as he opens the fridge to see what they have “Was there anything specific you wanted to make? I mean we just did the shopping so there's plenty there...” he says.

“Do you know who it was?” Susan questions softly.

“Know who what was?” Ian queries before catching on. “Oh you mean the car, nah, which sucks cause it's a lot of money” he says trying not to sound stressed. Susan doesn't say anything, she just comes to join him in peering in the fridge and Ian is grateful. He doesn't want to discuss money problems with a stranger. Susan pulls out a couple of Zucchini’s and a carrot.

“Knife?” she questions.

“Top drawer” Ian supplies, Susan grabs what she needs and starts Julienning the carrot. Yevgeny comes in through the front door.

“Auntie Mandy says I should start doing my homework” he says as he wriggles his way onto a seat at the table.

“What homework do you have to do?” Susan asks him.

“Math and English” Yevgeny answers her pulling out a book from his bag. 

“Let us know if you need any help” Ian tells him.

“I will thanks Dad” Yev calls back with a smile. They all continue existing together in silence, even when Mandy comes in and sits down next to Yev to see what he's doing. When Mickey arrives home, trailed by Alex, the quiet is interrupted by Yevgeny scurrying to welcome him home.

“Papa, Papa!” he calls, running to give his father a hug. “Come see the problem I just solved” he says tugging at Mickey's hand. Mickey laughs and picks him up, he's surprised he still can but Yev is kind of small for his age. He walks him over to the table and places him down on his seat. He peers at the work laid out on the table.

“Wow that's really good” Mickey says his voice full of pride.

“Am I as smart as Uncle Lip?” Yevgeny asks.

“Smarter” Mickey tells him matter-of-factly before walking over to Ian and kissing him.

“Hi” Ian mumbles blissfully into his mouth. The stay plastered together for a few moments before breaking apart.

“What are you making?” Mickey asks.

“I was going to do teriyaki chicken and vegetables” Susan informs him. Mickey frowns.

“Do we have teriyaki sauce?” he questions, open the cupboard to have a look.

“Wow I didn't even think of that! I'm just so used to having it” Susan exclaims. 

“Do you want me to go grab some?” Ian asks.

“No, no, I'll go get it, the shops aren't far right?” Susan queries.

“Couple of blocks” Ian tells her.

“I'll come with you” Mandy calls grabbing her coat. “I could do with a walk” she says. The two of them walk out onto the street and Ryan follows them. 

“I should have grabbed my own Jacket” Susan surmises after about half a block. Mandy shrugs her coat off and hands it over. “Thanks” Susan says in surprise.

“You're not that bad” Mandy tells her suddenly and Susan laughs.

“I did a lot of thinking today” Susan says.

“Yeah...” Mandy prompts 

“I don't think you guys can learn anything from me. You're too savage” Susan tells her. “I don't mean that in a bad way” she hurriedly adds when she sees Mandy's expression. “It's just, your like some kind of ancient tribe and I'm not going to pretend to understand it but I know I can't change it, you're too...” Susan stumbles over her explanation.

“Intertwined? Set in our ways?” Mandy asks.

“Yeah those things, you guys are perfect in your own way and that's admirable but I miss my own family and I want to go home” she says. She turns her attention to Ryan “is that allowed?” she asks him.

“If all parties agree” Ryan tells them.

“Come on! Let's hurry and get what we need for dinner and then we can text Lana when we get home. You'll be going home in the morning” Mandy says brightly and the three of them break into a jog. They don't go too fast because Ryan is holding heavy equipment but the go as fast as they can. They speed through the store practically throwing the money at the cashier. When they get back to the house they practically fall through the house. 

“Guys, Guys, text Lana and ask if she wants to come home” Mandy says excitedly. 

“What why?” Ian asks.

“If we all agree that we want to finish early I can go home and she can come home” Susan explains. The third camera guy glares at Ryan.

“You aren't meant to tell them about loop holes” he says.

“Shut up, John” Alex growls at him. 

“It's not a loop hole, it's right there in the contract” Ryan points out and John sits down in a huff. 

“Don't mind him, he's just grumpy he won't get paid as much” Alex says. “Now. Mickey I think you should call your wife...dramatic effect and all” he tells Mickey. Mickey grouches about it but he pulls his cellphone out of his pocket and dials.

“Hello?” Svetlana says nervously on the other end.

“Yo, you wanna come home?” Mickey asks. 

“I'd love to come home, but don't I have to stay here for two weeks?” Svetlana questions. 

“Not if we all agree that we don't want to continue.” Mickey tells her. Svetlana makes happy noises and says something inaudible in Russian. There's a few moments of silence and Mickey looks at his phone to see that he's still connected.

“Roger...that's fake husband...he says he would like to have his wife back” Svetlana tells him. 

“Excellent, so tomorrow morning we swap back” Mickey informs her.

“I'll see you tomorrow” Svetlana says cheerfully and hangs up.

“Well that's all sorted” Mickey informs them. Susan walks over and gives him a quick hug.

“Thank you” she tells him.

“Yeah, whatever, not a big deal” Mickey says. Ian chuckles at him and Mickey glares. Susan continues with cooking dinner and pretty soon it's served up and sitting at the table. 

“Why don't you join us?” Ian asks the camera men because there's plenty left over. Ryan and Alex indulge and turn their cameras off. John decides he'd much rather grouch and sit on the sidelines so he wanders around aimlessly filming the warm scene.

The night goes pleasantly and Susan apologies to Ian to the hurtful things she said to him. they bid farewell in high spirits when the next morning rolls around. 

Svetlana gets home at lunchtime when everyone is either at work or at school. She walks in and puts her bag down. She's never being so glad to be home. She unfolds a piece of paper with an artwork that the little girl Alice did for her. She looks at it fondly, before walking into her bedroom and sticking it to the wall among pictures that Yevgeny, Liam, Gemma and Amy have drawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ian would totally call Svetlana: Lana Banana and you know it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too terrible.


End file.
